How to not be an idiot customer, some rules and regulations:
1. I am not an information desk- do NOT ask me where Victoria’s Secret is, where the food court moved to, or how to get to the nearest bathroom unless you are a paying customer. And NEVER cut into a conversation I am having with an actual, paying customer in order to ask me this- don’t you have any manners???
2. Do not give me a tip and then proceed to remove the tip from the tip jar when your friend needs some change to pay for her drink. Again, manners??
3. On a similar note, do not assume our tip jar is a “take some money, leave some money” jar…you cannot just steal a penny or dime from our tip jar simply because you don’t feel like getting change back. Call it what you want, when you don’t ask permission, it is stealing- even if it is just a penny.
4. Do not ask for free cookies, coffee, coolers, or anything else free and don’t proceed to call me “stingy” when I tell you NO.
5. Don’t bitch about how expensive your drink is as you hand me your money to pay for it. If it is too expensive, don’t buy it.
6. Don’t follow me from the parking lot to the kiosk when I am coming in to open and expect to get a coffee right away. Doing this will simply prolong your odds of getting coffee early at all.
7. Don’t ask me to put the leftovers of your cooler in the blender in another cup for you. You bought a large and that is all you get- one large drink, no more and no less.
8. Do not complain to me that I didn’t give you your mall employee discount when you never told me you even were a mall employee and don’t wear a name tag. Contrary to popular belief, I don’t know the names and faces of every mall employee there is.
9. Stop calling our coolers iced cappuccinos! Don’t you know there is no such thing as an iced cap? Curse Tim Horton’s!!
10. I don’t recommend allowing your 10 year old son or daughter to order a large coffee cooler unless you were hoping to stay up all night with them.
11. Excuse me Ms. Thirteen year-old-diva adorned in “Limited Too” clothing but you do not know what a French vanilla cappuccino REALLY is and as I give it to you, I can’t wait to hear you comment on how it isn’t like the kind you got once at the gas station.
12. Our sizes come in small, medium, and large. Is it too much for you to order them as such?
13. Listen to me!! Do not simply stand at the register after I have already instructed you to pick up your drink around the counter.
14. Order your drinks on the side of the kiosk where the registers are at. I know because our kiosk is just a big rectangle, it is a little confusing…but usually looking for registers is a good indication of where to order and oh yes, to pay of course!
15. When I ask you how you are doing today, please do not ignore it and simply begin to order. I was always told to answer questions when they were asked of me. As usual, it is an issue of manners and having some.
16. When I ask you if you would like any cookies or brownies to go with your drink today, please don’t smile and say “Nice up-selling!”
17. When your total comes to $1.60 for your medium coffee, please don’t hand me a $20 when I can clearly see much smaller bills in your wallet.
18. Please do not come up and speak in one-word phrases to me. When you come up to the counter and all you say is, “hot cocoa,” I don’t always know what it is you are saying about hot cocoa. Do you want to order a hot cocoa? Are you asking me if we have hot cocoa? Is hot cocoa the only English word you know???
19. Yes, I know the saying on my apron is clever- you can stop telling me that now!
20. Please don’t think I am impressed when you say you need “the biggest size coffee you have.” I don’t care if you desperately need caffeine or if you just don’t know that a big size= large size. And then don’t go on to order that “biggest size” in decaf…
21. Please don’t get confused when I tell you that the blended version of the iced mocha is a chocolate cooler…doesn’t anyone know that “mocha” most commonly (but not in the case of Mocha Java of course!) refers to chocolate???
22. This may just be the golden rule on how not to be an idiot customer: NEVER EVER EVER place your drink order to me while you are talking on a cell phone!!!!!!! I am not dirt, I am a person and I would hope that you would treat me with respect rather than bark orders at me while you chat with your friend at the same time.
23. No, I cannot cut your brownie, muffin, croissant, or anything else in half for you. You have two hands that from what I can see appear to be working just fine so instead I will put the plastic knife in the bag for you to cut yourself. OK? This is number 2 on my list of biggest pet peeves.
24. Please refrain from dumping your coffee in the trash because it usually leaks through some tiny hole somewhere in the bag and leaves a long suspecting trail of muck on the floor from our kiosk to the dumpster.
25. If I accidentally make your drink wrong (as people do make mistakes from time to time), please just let me remake it for you seeing as how I politely will offer you a new drink. This seems like a better response then simply refusing the new drink and walking away in disgust with the wrong drink.
26. When you order decaf, trust that I will in fact make it decaf, as opposed to repeating “make sure it’s decaf” a billion times.
27. Do not threaten to never come here again just because I cannot accept your expired coupon. Rules are rules.
28. Stop telling me that I must drink a lot of coffee working here. I actually don’t and just because me and my co-workers are usually quite giddy, doesn’t mean we are constantly caffeinated.
29. We don’t sell flavored coffee so you can quit asking me what our “flavor” is today! And when I tell you that we can add flavors to our coffees, do not scowl at me in disgust as if drinking chemicalized coffee is much better than coffee with some syrup added to it.
30. Do not ask me why it says “I pick my nose” on one of the cooler concentrate containers.
31. Do not point to the pictures of the coolers and say, “Are these nasty?” How do you think I am going to answer this question?
32. Don’t assume you know anything about Caribou and its background unless you really do. For example when you say, “This company originated out of Alaska- didn’t it?”
33. Every rumor you have heard about where the next Caribou is going to be opened up in the Toledo area is false. Trust me, it is not even in the works yet and so you sound pretty foolish when you say, “I hear one of these is going to open up on the east side around Navarre Avenue.” Plus, why on earth would we open a Caribou on the east side of Toledo?
34. Stop buying pop from us!!! It is a major rip-off!
35. The mall closes at 9pm, which means we also close at 9pm- not 9:01, not 9:15, but 9pm- got it?
36. The display drinks are not real and if they were, they most certainly would melt right away. Just think before you ask next time.
37. I know it is called a “grab-n-go” and everything but please don’t let your children put there slimy hands all over everything up there only to mess it up and scream and shout “I want this” forty times.